Superman Returns

Superman always was a stiff, but he’s never been stiffer than he is here. What a bore! Anything they could do wrong, they did wrong. There’s no chemistry between Stooperman and Lois. She’s got a kid. It’s obvious he’s a hybrid, part Kryptonian, part human (which might mean he’s a mule), and almost nothing is made of that. At one point he throws a piano, and after that he sits around like wart on a frog. He’s irritating, as only a child in the movies who is assigned to be lovable can be. Lois has a boyfriend, who is earnest and patient with her obvious love for the Stoop. In other words, boring. In the comic, Kryptonite glows. Here, it’s just a hunk of green glass. It’s way too long. It’s very, very, very slow. What else do you want?