Snakes on a Plane
(Alternate title: Shit on Your Shoe.) This film is sooooooooo bad it’s not really worth the keystrokes I’d need to skewer it. It knows nothing about snakes, and it knows nothing about airplanes. One example of many thousands in the first 40 minutes (which is as far as we got): If you lifted a floor hatch in the cockpit of a 747 you wouldn’t get to the avionics bay, you would be looking down into first class. This movie was famously written by jack-off fanboys on the Internet. The producers actually did a few days of re-shooting to include their uniformly puerile “ideas.” This is probably where the hilarious scenes of a snake biting a girl on the tit and a man on his dick came from. If this is how movies will be made in the 21st Century, I’ll have to stop watching movies, or stick to classics. The frightening thing is that it is scoring a 7.1 at the IMDb, a 7.9 with the viewers at Metacritic, and even a 58 with the critics themselves. I know I’m out of touch with “exploitation” movies, as some of the enthusiastic critics term it in their reviews, but it seems to me they at least used to have a minimum level of professionalism, if not intelligence, and this one didn’t have a lick of either one. It looked like it had been filmed by people who’d never touched a camera before, lit by people who had never hung a light, and written by apes randomly banging on keyboards. Which, as far as the writing goes, by anonymous zit-faces on the ‘net, I guess is pretty much true. I’m outta here, I have to take a shower after seeing this.