Image copyright © by Marcus Trahan

Resident Evil: Apocalypse


I’d intended to rent the first of these (of which there are now 3, one in theaters as I write this) but hey, one shambling flesh-eating zombie movie is pretty much like any other, right? In fact, there is only one shambling flesh-eating zombie movie, they just file off the serial numbers and re-make it three or four times per year. They vary only in the number of shamblers, and the amount of ammo the good guys get to waste shooting at them without effect.
How smart are these people? A wee bit smarter than the zombies, who can’t do anything but shamble and eat, but not by much. One scene that has to rank as exceptionally stupid even for a shambling zombie movie: You’re being pursued by dead people reanimated by a virus or something, so where’s the logical place to stop for a bit of rest? I’ve got it. A graveyard! Or how about this? You know that being bitten inevitably turns you into a zombie, but you keep your wounded comrades around and alive, apparently so they can go all zombified on your ass at the most inconvenient possible moment.
I basically tuned in to see if there would be any more of Milla Jovovich’s sweet little belly button on display. I hadn’t realized that I’d get two kick-ass broads for the price of one. But both the second banana (Sienna Guillory) and Milla are pretty stupid here. They wear combat boots. Can you imagine? Boots are okay, but they have to have high heels. Ultraviolet wouldn’t be caught dead in combat boots. She knows that high heels have the power to cloud the minds of the waves and waves of cannon fodder that come after her three or four times per day. How do you think she’s survived this long? Baring your belly button helps, too. Nothing works better when seeking to put the whup-ass on a bunch of bad guys than a naked navel.
There’s a character in here I’ve been seeing a lot of these days, and I wonder why it’s not remarked on more often. This is the “street-wise cowardly black man with the funny lines who says muthafucka a lot.” He gets to comment on all the honkies, and while never actually shouting “Feets, do yo’ stuff!” he’s basically Stepin Fetchit.
A line I’d love to hear in one of these movies one day: “Let’s split up so they can pick us off one at a time!”