Image copyright © by Marcus Trahan



Second feature at the drive-in. As a young man, John Constantine tried to kill himself. He was dead for two minutes, and went to Hell. Asked about it later, he says something like “Two minutes in Hell is like a million years.” Well, what reviewer could resist a straight line like that? So … watching Constantine is sort of like two hours in Hell. It seems to take a lot longer than it really did. This piece of horse poop is a waste of the talents of Rachel Weisz and Tilda Swinton. As for Keanu Reeves, I wish he’d go back to his roots and make Bill & Ted’s Heinous Hellboy, or something. It couldn’t be dumber than this movie. [I yawned, looked for falling stars, visualized rain, watched other cars leaving, whined, and still we stayed to the end.]