Troy

Not as bad as I had expected, but that doesn’t mean it’s good. I was forced to read The Iliad, which I think is highly overrated, in college, and this movie is sort of accurate, though it leaves out the gods. Achilles was a pain in the butt in the book, and he’s even more of a pain in the butt in the movie. So Brad Pitt was the perfect casting choice. Orlando Bloom played Paris, the most spoiled twit in history, as a spoiled twit. Agamemnon … well, what can you say about a guy named Agamemnon? Name like that, he probably got teased a lot on the playground when he was a kid, which explains why he was such a weasel.

We could have used a little humor, too. I spotted one perfect opportunity. This little lad was sent to Achilles’ tent, where the great hero was sleeping it off with two naked ladies when he was supposed to be with the Greek army, fighting the champion of the … Spartans? I can’t remember. Anyway, as Achilles is getting on his horse the boy asks:

“Aren’t you afraid? I’d be afraid.” And the Great Man says,
“That’s why no one will remember your name.”

And I thought, the line should have been:

“That’s why no one will remember your name … Homer.”

Why do I have to do all the thinking for these damn screenwriters?

At the end, guess who ducks out the back door when Troy is burning, after he’s just sucker-shot Achilles in the heel? Why, that spoiled twit Paris, of course, with his Greek whore. The asshole who launched a thousand ships.

I’m looking forward to the sequel. Not Troy II, with the further exploits of Paris and Helen. The Odyssey, starring the only smart guy in the picture, the man who thought up the whole horse business. Odysseus rocks!