Man of Steel

Hey, listen. Isn’t it about time we put these superhero assholes out to pasture? When does it end? Every year brings us Superman or Batman sequels, prequels, spinoffs, and the worst of all, the dreaded reboot. It’s emblematic of the total lack of originality in Hollywood these days, or at least of the studios. Independents do produce smart, original movies every year … and nobody goes to see them.

Did you know that Superman, the friggin’ Man of Steel, turns 81 years old this year? Batman is a relatively spry 75, but they are both senior citizens, and it’s way past time for them to hang up their capes and retire to the Fortress of Solitude and the Batcave. They could sit around and shoot the breeze with Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson and Lex Luthor and the Joker. And that little wimp, Robin, the “ward,” who is 74 if you can believe that. I’ve been worried that Superman might start suffering from Kryptonite-induced super senility. No telling what he might do. And holy osteo-arthritis, Batman! You are getting awful at slinging that Batarang, and you are a menace puttering along at thirty miles per hour in the fast lane in the Batmobile.

Now that’s a movie I would go to see. Superman and Batman in a retirement home, hobbling out in their walkers for one last shot at saving the world. It would be tons better than this tired piece of crap, which just rehashes everything you ever knew about the goddam Man of Steel.