Guardians of the Galaxy

I decided to make an exception to my No More Goddam Comic Book Movies! rule just this once, because the reviews were good, and they were good for reasons that appealed to me. It was supposed to be witty, self-aware, full of snappy dialogue and non-solemn characters. I enjoyed those qualities in the first Iron Man movie. Maybe this one would also entertain.

And it did. A little. But you know what? Bottom line, it’s still just another goddam comic book movie. It’s one chase after another, one bone-breaking fight or fall after another (though no bones actually break, which is a hallmark of a goddam comic book movie), one battle with a zillion spaceships after another (I counted, it was actually only half a zillion), then a scene where at least half a zillion spaceship pilots are burned alive. It is brainless entertainment, driven by fanboys and the foreign markets, without a single new idea anywhere in sight. Damn it all, this is what we have been reduced to, making $200,000,000 B-movies, the sort that used to be churned out to show at Saturday matinees. Sure, they all have the stunning gloss of CGI environments, which has worn thin for me. This one has over 2,700 CGI shots, which may not even be a record.

Then there are the characters. I feel sorry for Zoe Saldana. Here is a brown-skinned woman who has been in two super blockbuster movies. In one of them she was blue and unrecognizable, and in this one she is green. I found myself wondering if they actually painted her every day, or CGIed it in later.

Before long I thought if that wise-cracking raccoon made one more wisecrack I was gonna jump in the screen and make me a Davy Crockett coonskin hat.

Can somebody tell me why it was necessary to hire Vin Diesel as Groot, the walking tree? The director rhapsodized about how many ways Vin came up with to say “I am Groot.” Went right over my head, I must say. Basically, they hired him to come in and deliver three words of dialogue. I wonder what he got paid for that?

Fuck it. My No More Goddam Comic Book Movies rule is now firmly back in place. You will have to go elsewhere for reviews of The Avengers: Age of Ultron.