The Dukes of Hazzard

The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)

When I saw in the New Times that the double feature at the Sunset was what were, by all accounts, the two dumbest movies of the summer, and maybe of all time, I briefly considered going anyway. But then I remembered what my granddaddy used to say when some unpleasant course of action was suggested: “Let’s don’t and say we did.” He’s right. Some movies are so, so awful that you don’t even need to see all of the trailers to know they stink. So we didn’t go, but I’m going to say we did, and let some other critics speak for me, culled from Metacritic:

Miami Herald, Connie Ogle: “The less said about [Jessica] Simpson’s performance the better. From the neck down she fulfills all the requirements, but, honestly, I think General Lee might do a better job with the dialogue.”
Baltimore Sun, Chris Kaltenbach: “The Dukes of Hazzard may mark some sort of nadir when it comes to movies made from TV shows. See it at your own peril.”
Washington Post, Stephen Hunter: “So loud, so long, so dumb.”

Los Angeles Times, Kenneth Turan: “With no plot, character or dialogue worth experiencing, let alone remembering, the film merely occupies space on the screen and hopes for the best.”
Chicago Tribune, Allison Benedikt: “Commenting on performances here is like critiquing the production design of a porno–it’s beside the point.”
ReelViews, James Berardinelli: “Straight viewing could result in brain damage.”
Dallas Observer, Robert Wilonsky: “The movie’s so unfunny, it almost appears to be that way on purpose, kind of like an Ingmar Bergman film.”
San Francisco Chronicle, Mick LaSalle: “In stiff competition for the lamest thing ever put on celluloid.”
Rolling Stone, Peter Travers: “There is no wrong time to flush this turd.”