Image copyright © by Marcus Trahan

White House Down


A very weird situation here. This movie was released in June of 2013, and it was preceded by Olympus Has Fallen in March. Both movies concern takeovers of the White House, and in both the building is pretty much destroyed. And frankly, I’m having a hell of a time remembering which one was which. In one of them Jamie Foxx was the president. In another it was Aaron Eckhart. In one of them Channing Tatum is the hero. In the other one, it’s Gerard Butler. Both movies were obviously inspired by Die Hard: A single man outwitting and outfighting a big group of stupid terrorists who can’t shoot straight except when they’re not shooting at the hero.

One of them has a president who pissed me off so badly that I would have impeached him if he ever got rescued. See, the bad guy wants the three-part password that will unlock the nuclear football and allow the launch of every missile we have. The pres says no fucking way. The bad guy puts a gun to first the Secretary of Defense and later the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. In both cases, the hostage says do your worst, I’m willing to die. And in both cases the pres caves in and tells them to reveal their part of the password. For which he should have been taken out into the Rose Garden and shot! By me! This asshole is willing to risk the lives of hundreds of millions just so he won’t have to see his friends get their brains blown out. This is the job they signed up for, you asshole! To die in the defense of their country. And your job is to suck it up and tell the murderous bastards to do it, and kill me, too. That’s why you fly around in a luxury hotel, you silly prick. That’s why we play Hail to the Chief. In return, we rely on you to make the hardest choices. Even if they were threatening to kill your child, your job is to say do your worst, asshole. I totally loathed this president.

But I can’t remember which is which, so what the hell. You go see them and figure it out for yourself.