Image copyright © by Marcus Trahan

Welcome to Me


Borderline Personality Disorder is not insanity, it’s not quite schizophrenia, it’s not bipolar disorder, it’s not quite neurotic depression or dysthymia. It is said to be on the borderline between psychosis and neurosis, but what I think it really is, is a crock of shit. It is one more chunk of the population, carved out by the headshrinking profession in their steady march toward the goal of being able to categorize all of us as having some damn thing wrong with us. So that when we lie down on their couches they can say, in a thick German accent, “Aha! Zere is a pill for zat!” It’s almost enough to turn you into a Scientologist. … well, no, never that, those mutts are {{really} crazy, but at least I can see where their delusions are coming from.

That said, Alice Klieg, the woman in this movie, definitely is a few nuts short of a fruitcake. She has taped every episode of Oprah and memorized most of them. When she knows she will be in a stressful situation she makes a “prepared statement,” which she then reads. Not a bad idea, actually. She plays the lottery a lot, and finally hits it for $86,000,000. That is Fuck You money in anybody’s bank. That kind of money allows people like Michael Jackson and Elvis and Suge Knight to get away with all sorts of things, even though they are clearly batshit crazy.

She knows exactly what she wants to do. She finds a struggling little small-time cable channel and tells them she wants her own show. What will it be about? Me. Just me. Well, it’ll cost a lot of money. How much for a year? They name a figure, and she writes a check for $15,000,000.She wants it to be two hours long. No guests, no special subjects to discuss, other than me. Five days a week. “And I want to ride in on a swan boat.”

To their credit, most of the crew except one go-getter are troubled by all this, since she is nuts and the show is incredibly weird. But her money is good, and they’re giving her what she is paying for. So viewers, if there are any, are treated to things like Alice making a meatloaf cake with mashed sweet potato icing … and then taking five minutes to eat a slice. Then she moves on to hiring people to re-enact scenes from her life that upset her in one way or another. But when she begins neutering dogs on live TV …

The lady is about the most narcissistic person I’ve ever seen in a movie, and hard to like, aside from her loveable goofiness. But you know what? I can see a show like this gaining a cult following, maybe even becoming a runaway hit just because it’s so cringe-worthy crazy. I decided some time ago that people who will watch Honey Boo Boo will watch anything.

Kristen Wiig isn’t afraid to play characters who can be quite obnoxious, as she did in Bridesmaids. It didn’t work quite as well here. Ending a movie like this is the hardest part and they didn’t quite pull it off. But I had some fun getting there.