Nude Nuns With Big Guns

A while back Netflix announced that you could have unlimited streaming of movies direct to your TV for only $7.98 per month. It sounded great. I mean, we had the one-DVD-at-a-time plan, for the same money, but it takes a while for the DVDs to get back to Netflix and another while before the ones they send out get to you. With this streaming deal, you could watch a movie every night! We tried it.

And it would have been great … if they had anything worth watching. As I scrolled through the list of movies available I found almost nothing newer than five years old. For the rest, there were some classics, some foreign films, all the TV series you could possibly want to see (and I didn’t want to see a one of them), and the most astonishing crap you could imagine. I don’t think I’d even heard of more than 1% of them. These abominations would not even have been good enough for the drive-ins, if those were still around.

Where the hell do these movies come from? Where are they shown? I’m assuming nowhere. They were all direct-to-tape and then direct-to-DVD … and somebody out there buys them (or rents them) and watches them! And I guess some brain-dead teenagers actually like them, or why else would so many thousands of them get made?

I selected this one because of all the stupid and/or outrageous titles, this one took the grand prize. I can only assume someone came up with the title first, and then wrote a stupid story around it. I mean, the title is just about perfect, isn’t it? How could you improve on it? Among other titles available for streaming are Machine Gun Preacher and Hobo With a Shotgun (which stars Rutger Hauer, who has fallen very, very low to take a part like that). So how about Girls With Big Tits and Shotguns?

And it’s all you’d expect it to be. For some reason, these drug dealers and some Catholic priests are forcing nuns to package up big bags of heroin … and they make them do it in the nude, wearing only their … what it is, wimples? Woo-woo! Then a lot of killing happens, and one of the nuns gets away and returns with some big pistols, Colt .45s maybe, though I don’t know much about guns. And she starts killing people. Meanwhile, a family out in the desert stops with car trouble, and the motorcycle baddies and the drug baddies start to rape the women … and that’s where I stopped. The production values were actually a lot better than I had expected, considering that the IMDb lists the budget as $85,000. They got their money’s worth, I guess. For that investment, I imagine that if only a small number of people rented this pustule of a movie they would make a profit.