Jurassic World

Special effects have come a long way since we were first wowed by Jurassic Park, back in 1993. Sadly, storytelling has not improved; in fact, in many ways, it has gotten worse. There are dozens of references to that ground-breaking film here, but making everything bigger, faster, and almost infinitely more elaborate hasn’t made up for the lack of something the original film had lots of: Wit. As I recall it, there were scenes that were slyly funny, right in the middle of all the mayhem. And I kept seeing opportunities for interesting stuff, which I do when I’m bored by all the cookie-cutter action.

How about this? There are these Velociraptors being trained in some hare-brained scheme for using them in combat. When the Stupendosaurus, or whatever this super-smart genetically engineered T. Rex is called, escapes (by out-thinking all the humans, and give me a fucking break!), the four “tame” critters are unleashed to deal with her. They come crashing through the jungle and come face to face with the Improbablosaurus, come to a halt … and turn tail and run for their lives, as any reasonable animal would do when confronted by a 50-foot eating machine.

Or how about this? As the Einsteinosaurus advances on all the people being slaughtered by the hordes of pterosaurs (whose wings, somehow, are sturdy enough to demolish buildings, and give me another fucking break!), they release their old T. Rex to deal with her. So the T. Rex thunders up (and give me a third fucking break, even an animal that large will not shake the ground when he walks!), pauses, and then leans over to sniff the ass of the I-Don’t-Believe-It-osaurus. Wow! What a babe! And they have some hot, sweaty dinosaur sex right there in front of everybody!

Oh … I guess not. But I’d have enjoyed it a lot more, and I’ll bet a lot of other people would have, too.