Part 2
… and a pause, to consider the possible future direction of plate mania …
Say you’re a Freemason, and graduated from the University of Texas (class of ’89, with a B.A. in English Lit. and a 3.4 grade point average; that ought to be on there). You’re also a Rotarian, a Presbyterian, and a volunteer fireman. You like to hunt. You have children, and are concerned about pedophiles and terrorism. You served in the Marines in the Gulf War. You support the arts, and want to save the armadillo.
I can imagine you having a nervous breakdown, trying to decide which of these important things you want to put on your license plate.
Because as things now stand, you have to choose. All these plates are available in one state or another, but you can only have one plate, with one thing on it.
But why? Well, space, for one thing. It’s easy to forget, but the actual purpose of license plates is that big number in the center, so that a car can be identified, mostly by the police. I imagine cops are having a hell of a time recognizing some plates these days, what with all the art and fruit salad on them. There used to be just 48 plates, bi-colored, number and state of issue prominent. When I was a kid I could identify most of them a mile away. But it’s too late to turn back the clock. Instead, let’s forge ahead.
I assume I don’t have to spend much time, in this age of MySpace, pondering why people want to announce all these things to the world. It’s just the way we live now. So be it. People should have the right to tell more than one thing about themselves on their plates. I’ve come up with three possible ways to go about it:
1) The NASCAR Solution.
You’ve heard the
definition of NASCAR vehicles? World’s fastest billboards? There’s a
sponsor’s logo covering the hood—Gatorade, Tide, Miller Lite—and
then smaller logos covering most of the rest of the car that
advertise the makers of pretty much every nut and grommet and wiper
blade in the damn thing. Why not get multiple plates, all with the
same number, and put them on a rack in back? You could say a dozen
things about yourself, your kids, your pets, and everything you’ve
ever done in your life.
2) The Taxicab Solution. Lots of taxis these days have a pup-tent-shaped thing with a light inside strapped or bolted to the roof, with an ad on each side. You could put your plate array up there, only turned so the sides face front and back. Better yet, the state could issue special, transparent plastic plates so they could be lit from behind! (And charge an extra fee for these plates, which, after all, is really the reason these things exist in the first place, remember. They’re still free, made in the state prison. The inmates won’t complain.)
3) The Readerboard Solution. Come on, cop to it: Vanity plates, special plates … at least part of the reason for these things is to one-up the other drivers, right? (Purple Heart: “I was wounded in the war. What did you do in the war?”) What could freak them out more than a readerboard across the back, with a crawl line that announced everything you are proud of or want to be associated with, in sequence? … well, I can tell you what would top it: A plasma television screen. Say two by three feet. Now you can display photo-quality, hi-def pictures of your license plate collection, big as your trunk. Better yet, you can show pictures of your kids and your dog and cat, even home movies of your son scoring that goal in peewee hockey, or you landing that big fish last summer at the lake. Or funny YouTube stuff, or trailers for upcoming movies …
Just some thoughts.#
As a long-time license plate buff, I wanted to list the old-timey plates from my childhood that are still around, and that I approve of. They are:
Idaho:
Famous Potatoes.
There is something about that which just tickles
me. A whole state paying homage to the humble spud. And before the
right-wingnuts arrived at places like
Ruby Ridge, potatoes were what
the state was chiefly known for. They have a new one now, too, and I
like it even better. It shows a baked potato, burst
open and dripping with delicious
(Wisconsin, America’s Dairyland?)
butter. Yummy!
Wisconsin: See above.
Louisiana: Sportsman’s Paradise. How can you argue with paradise?
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes. That’s a lot of lakes!
Missouri: Show Me State. Never understood this one, but always liked it.
New Mexico:
Land of Enchantment. Almost as good as paradise.
Then there are some more recent plates I just have to
approve of. The best, by far, is from the District of Columbia,
which the writers of the Constitution in one of their dumbest moves
(Article I, Section 8) decreed should be governed by …
Congress! Oh, heavens! It’s been impossibly fucked up ever
since. Oh, sure, they have a mayor and a city council, who
traditionally have been almost as bad as Congress or even, at times
(coke-fiend Marion Barry), worse. But Congress has the final say.
They can overrule anything, and often do, as with gun
laws, and they hate to spend money on anything outside
their own state, so they don’t, and nobody can do anything about it
and so the city is in terrible shape, except for the parts Congress-skanks
have to see every day. It is technically a US territory, like
Guam,
but they pay more taxes, and do not have a vote in Congress. (There
is a non-voting “observer,”
Eleanor Holmes Norton, as if from a
foreign country.) Until 1961 they couldn’t even vote in presidential
elections. Naturally, most people who live there are pretty steamed
about this, so recently they decided to let residents put
“Taxation
Without Representation” on the license plates. It proved very
popular. I love it! It’s like a slap in the face to all 535 of the
assholes who work in that big building on the hill. Maybe someday
they’ll even notice it … but of course their cars have
House or Senate plates. (DC has also issued “Inaugural” plates every
four years since at least 1933.
The ones for 1953 and 1957 even have
cameo pictures of Eisenhower and Nixon on them!)
(My solution: Give DC residents veto power. The states can still send any damfool they want to Congress, but after a year the people who live there and are misgoverned by them can send them packing. DC’s problems would all be solved in a week, I guarantee you.)
Other new ones I like:
Texas: Share the Road, Y’all (bicycles)
Alabama: Stars fell on Alabama, and Sweet Home Alabama
#
At the beginning of this project, I asked if anyone thought of smiling faces when they thought of South Carolina. Pursuing that thought (and I still don’t know much about South Carolina, except that they grow a lot of tobacco there), the next logical question is, “What do people think of when they hear the name of a state?” And that led to a week or so of contemplating it from time to time, and writing down my favorite answers, which I think ought to be on the license plates, and which I will now share with you. I’ve come up with at least one slogan for every state, but frankly, some of them don’t satisfy. I am open for suggestions.
I think you’d agree that some states are easier than others. Texas and Nevada and California and Florida have made deep impressions on the national consciousness, for good and/or ill, so they were simple.
Others don’t lend themselves as easily to jokes. In my case, those are mostly states on the East Coast, where I haven’t spent much time, states like Connecticut, Delaware, Virginia, and Maryland, which I don’t know much about and seldom even think about.
Some are, it seems to me, intrinsically dull, like those squarish states in the Red State Middle of the country … and frankly, I don’t care. That’s what they are: squarish states in the middle of the country.
And oddly enough, I haven’t found any really good mottoes for Ohio, Indiana, Georgia, and Illinois, states that you’d think would be easy. They weren’t for me.
So the quality of these suggestions varies widely; please forgive me if I haven’t adequately lampooned your favorite state.
And before you write me indignant letters about how I’m stereotyping your beloved home … these are jokes, people. For the most part I chose the most stereotypical portrait possible. Of course I know there are people who love all these states, just like I love (most of the time) Texas … and you’ll notice the Lone Star State didn’t get off easy. I trust your home state didn’t, either. And I do welcome suggestions, especially for those states I was unable to kick hard enough, or humorously enough.
One last thing: In a what-the-hell mood, I even tackled the Canadian provinces. I know very little about most of them, though I’ve spent time in Ontario and BC, but I figured, where Canada’s concerned, you can’t go wrong with a joke about the cold.#
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Alabama |
Alaska |
Arizona |
|
AT LEAST IT’S NOT MISSISSIPPI LET US CATER YOUR NEXT LYNCHING! MY OTHER CAR IS UP ON BLOCKS |
ESKIMOS HAVE 99 WORDS TO SAY “I’M FREEZING MY ASS OFF!” WHEW! COLD ENOUGH FOR YOU? BRRRRRRRRRRRRR! |
ONE HONKIN’ BIG HOLE IN THE GROUND WHEW! HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? I BRAKE FOR MEXICANS |
|
Arkansas |
California |
Colorado |
|
NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO TEETH, NO PROBLEM! YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER WHEN BILL LEFT OFFICE? CHELSEA IN ’28 IF YOU’RE READING THIS, YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK |
OUR GOVERNOR CAN WHIP YOUR GOVERNOR’S ASS ¡NOSOTROS NO HABLEMOS INGLÉS! THE SEISMIC STATE WE’RE ON A WHOLE DIFFERENT TECTONIC PLATE! BITCHIN’ CAR, DUDE! WE’RE ALL, LIKE, SOOO NOT EAST COAST! TODAY’S MOVIE STAR IS TOMORROW’S POLITICIAN |
THE RECTANGLE STATE ♫ ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH AS A KITE ♫ VISIT JOHN DENVER’S FROZEN CORPSE
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Connecticut |
DC |
Delaware |
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BEDROOM COMMUNITY OF NEW YORK THREE TIMES AS BIG AS RHODE ISLAND |
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? WE’RE RUN BY CONGRESS! WE SECEDED FROM THE UNION AND NOBODY NOTICED LET US CATER YOUR NEXT CRACK PARTY |
A DIVISION OF E. I. DU PONT DE NEMOURS THE TEFLON, NEOPRENE, KEVLAR STATE A LITTLE BIGGER THAN RHODE ISLAND |
|
Georgia |
Florida |
Hawaii |
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FRANKLY MY DEAR, WE DON’T GIVE A DAMN NOTHING WRONG THAT A VISIT FROM GENERAL SHERMAN COULDN’T FIX KISS MY GRITS! |
ALLIGATORS: FLORIDA SPEED BUMPS SPEED LIMIT: 35 IN THE FAST LANE WITH BLINKER ON HOME OF THE DANGLING CHAD PROPERTY OF THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY MORE CUBANS THAN HAVANA WE MISS YOU, TRAVIS MCGEE |
HAOLE, GO HOME! HO, BRAH, CAPTAIN COOK HAD IT COMING POI IS EDIBLE. HONEST!
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Idaho |
Illinois |
Indiana |
|
LET US CATER YOUR NEXT FBI STANDOFF ASK ABOUT OUR POTATO RECIPES ALMOST AS MANY MORMONS AS UTAH |
CAPONE, FRANK NITTI, MAYOR DALEY. SO WATCH IT! I BRAKE FOR HOOSIERS |
ONE HONKIN’ BIG CAR RACE! TOP TEN REASONS TO VISIT INDIANA: 10. THE 500. 9. SCENIC FARMS. 8. …. |
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Iowa |
Kansas |
Kentucky |
|
FOUR LETTERS, THREE VOWELS CORN. JUST CORN. |
GATEWAY TO OZ RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! IT’S A TWIST— IF YOU’VE SEEN NEBRASKA, YOU’VE SEEN KANSAS |
180 PROOF ‘SHINE (ALSO KILLS POSSUMS AND COONS) BLUEGRASS ISN’T REALLY BLUE. SORRY. |
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Louisiana |
Maine |
Maryland |
|
SOME PARTS ABOVE SEA LEVEL YOU DONE A HECKUVA JOB ON US, GWB IT’S CRAWFISH, NOT CRAYFISH! I BRAKE FOR FEMA PEOPLE … HELL NO, I DON’T! ¡LAISSEZ LE BON TEMPS ROULET! |
NEW OWNER: STEPHEN KING CHEAP LOBSTER, AYUH LOTS OF TREES, LOTS OF MOOSE, NOT MUCH ELSE |
BASICALLY, A JOHN WATERS FILM THINKING ABOUT CHANGING NAME TO BRITNEYLAND |
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Massachusetts |
Michigan |
Minnesota |
|
THE KENNEDY STATE CAN YOU SWIM FROM CHAPPAQUIDDICK? LET US CATER YOUR NEXT WITCH BURNING |
COME IN AND KICK A TIRE! EVERYTHING MUST GO! ONE OWNER! LOW MILEAGE! CREAMPUFF! |
JESSE VENTURA. AL FRANKEN. WHAT’S NEXT? WHERE ALL THE WOMEN ARE STRONG, THE MEN ARE GOOD-LOOKING, AND THE CHILDREN ARE ABOVE AVERAGE JEEZ, IT’S COLD! OH, YAH! |
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Mississippi |
Missouri |
Montana |
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AT LEAST IT’S NOT ALABAMA MIS’SIP LET US CATER YOUR NEXT DOGFIGHT MY OTHER CAR IS MY OTHER HOME |
NOT MISERY, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH SHOW ME YOUR TITS! WE ENJOY ALL KINDS OF MUSIC: COUNTRY AND WESTERN |
JUST LIKE CANADA, BUT WITHOUT THE CANUCKS CUSTER WAS ASKING FOR IT |
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Nebraska |
Nevada |
New Hampshire |
|
GATEWAY TO NORTHERN KANSAS |
THE WHOREHOUSE STATE LOOSE SLOTS! $5.99 PRIME RIB DINNER KENO? KENO? KENO? 10-MINUTE WEDDINGS, 5-MINUTE DIVORCES LET US CATER YOUR NEXT ATOMIC BOMB TEST |
LIVE FREE OR WHATEVER WHERE POLITICIANS FREEZE THEIR ASSES OFF PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ON BOARD |
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New Jersey |
New Mexico |
New York |
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♫A-WOP-BOP-A-LOO-BOP-A-LOP-BAM-BOOM♫ BA-DA-BING, BA-DA-BOOM! WHERE SOPRANOS NEVER SING |
¡NOSOTROS NO HABLEMOS INGLÉS! LIKE OLD MEXICO, ONLY NEWER WHERE ILLEGAL ALIENS MEET REAL ALIENS |
ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT ME? ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT ME? ONE HONKIN’ BIG WATERFALL! MANHATTAN: WAS IT WORTH $24 IN TRINKETS? OUTTA THE WAY, 455HO13! |
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North Carolina |
North Dakota |
Ohio |
|
THE NASCAR STATE LET US CATER YOUR NEXT 10-SECOND PIT STOP |
JUST NORTH OF SOUTH DAKOTA, AS IF YOU CARE |
FOUR LETTERS, THREE VO- … DAMN, IOWA USED THAT I LISTEN TO WKRP IN CINCINNATI 38th ANNUAL KENT STATE MASSACRE RE-ENACTMENT |
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Oklahoma |
Oregon |
Pennsylvania |
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I’D SOONER BE IN CALIFORNIA FACE IT, IF NOT FOR THAT DAMN MUSICAL YOU’D NEVER HAVE HEARD OF OKLAHOMA COME AND ENJOY ‘DUST BOWL DAZE!’ |
MEDICINAL POT. ASSISTED SUICIDE. CHOOSE ONE. ♫ I’M A LUMBERJACK AND I’M OKAY ♫ CALIFORNIAN, DON’T LET THE SUN SET ON YOUR ASS AMERICA’S BEST BEAVER SIERRA CLUB, KISS MY AXE |
SCRAPPLE IS EDIBLE. HONEST! I BRAKE FOR AMISH GO UP THE HERSHEY HIGHWAY TRY OUR ANTHRACITE PIE |
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Rhode Island |
South Carolina |
South Dakota |
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WELCOME TO RH- … COME BACK SOON! SIZE DOESN’T MATTER. OH REALLY? IT DOES? |
MARLBORO COUNTRY LESS TAR, MORE FLAVOR! SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: SOUTH CAROLINA MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH LET US KATER YOUR NEXT KLAVERN |
JUST SOUTH OF NORTH DAKOTA, BUT WHO CARES? HONKIN’ BIG BUSTS |
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Tennessee |
Texas |
Utah |
|
VOLUNTEER? DON’T LOOK AT ME! 190 PROOF ‘SHINE (ALSO STRIPS PAINT) COONSKIN CAP, POSSUM CRAP WHERE GRAND OLE OPRY AND HEE-HAW ARE ON PBS |
¡NOSOTROS NO HABLEMOS INGLÉS! ♫ ALL YOUR EXES LIVE HERE ♫ #1 IN EXECUTIONS WE IN DA AWL BIDNESS, Y’ALL! A SUBSIDIARY OF EXXON/MOBIL ROUGHNECKS, PECKERWOODS, AND SHITKICKERS YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAW! |
♫ TWO GIRLS FOR EVERY BOY ♫ 50% SMITHS, 50% YOUNGS |
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Vermont |
Virginia |
Washington |
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MAPLE SYRUP, FALL COLOR. THAT’S ABOUT IT. |
YES, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS THE CIA ISN’T REALLY HERE. HONEST. SPY ON BOARD |
MT. ST. HELENS 1980. MT. RAINIER 20?? TRY OUR SUPERBO GRANDO ENORMO LATTE $24.99 THE CAFFEINE AND GRUNGE STATE |
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West Virginia |
Wisconsin |
Wyoming |
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MARRIAGES $5. 1st COUSINS, NIECES OKAY ♫ THE TANK IS FILLED WITH 100 PROOF, YOU’RE ALL TUNED UP AND GASSED ♫ LET US CATER YOUR NEXT MINE DISASTER |
CHEESE ON BOARD I ♥ CHEESE CHEESEHEADS!!!! |
THE OTHER RECTANGLE STATE A SUBSIDIARY OF HALLIBURTON |
#
Canadian Plates
|
British Columbia |
Alberta |
Manitoba |
|
FRENCH? WE DON’ SPEAK NO STEENKIN’ FRENCH! SKOOKUM CANUCKLEHEADS RULE! |
40 BELOW IS THE SAME IN Fº AND Cº |
HONKIN’ BIG GRAIN SILOS, EH? |
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Saskatchewan |
Northwest Territories |
Nunavut |
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ASK US WHAT SASKATCHEWAN MEANS. SOMEBODY MUST KNOW. POUTINE IS EDIBLE. REALLY! |
♫ WHERE BLIZZARDS SNAP POWERLINES AND ALL THE TOILETS FREEZE ♫ FROZEN MAMMOTH IS EDIBLE. REALLY! NOT THE NORTH POLE, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH |
THE NORTH POLE POP. 10,000 POLAR BEARS, 100 NERVOUS INUIT … MAKE THAT 99 NERVOUS INUIT MUKTUK IS EDIBLE … WELL, NOT REALLY. |
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Yukon |
Ontario |
Newfoundland & Labrador |
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VISIT NANOOK’S FROZEN CORPSE VISIT SGT. PRESTON’S FROZEN CORPSE VISIT DUDLEY DO-RIGHT’S FROZEN CORPSE |
CANADA’S RIVIERA. YEAH, RIGHT. HOSERS, KEENERS, TUQUES, SHOOTERS AND MOLSON |
ONE HONKIN’ BIG DOG, AND A SMALLER ONE COME SEE OUR SUMMER ICEBERG RACES! LET US CATER YOUR NEXT BABY SEAL SLAUGHTER |
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Price Edward Island |
Nova Scotia |
New Brunswick |
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MOST CANADIANS DON’T EVEN KNOW WE’RE HERE |
SCENIC TRAILER PARKS LORD TUNDERIN’ JESUS, IT’S COLD! |
MUCH BETTER THAN OLD BRUNSWICK I BRAKE FOR NEWFIES |
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Quebec |
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NOUS ÉLEVONS HAUTAINMENT NOS DOIGHTS DE MILIEU DANS VOTRE DIRECTION GÉNÉRALE! (We haughtily raise our middle fingers in your general direction!) NOUS PERMETTRE D’APPROVISIONNER VOTRE PROCHAIN DE FLQ (Let us cater your next Quebec Liberation Front bombing.) NOUS JETONS HAUTAINMENT NOTRE MORVE AU SUD ET L’OUEST! (We haughtily fling our boogers to the south and the west!) LES CANADIENS FRANÇAIS PRÉTENTIEUX À BORD |
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June 3, 2008
Hollywood, California